Published March 6, 2025
“I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but it doesn’t.” This is false – time heals and friends/family help us get through it. Why would someone be so negative?
“I don’t know how you do it, I don’t think I could go on if that happened to me.” Reality check – life has to move on and we learn to handle it.
“They are in a better place.” Umm, I’d rather have my husband be here with me and the kids.
Do these sound familiar? I speculate you’ve heard some or all of these, maybe more than once. I am certain there are other strange things you’ve heard. I bet you’ve also ended up in tears as a result.
I want to help you realize this….at the end of the day, THEY DO NOT INTEND TO HURT YOU.
During this emotional time in our lives, no one in their right mind would intentionally say something hurtful or do something so callous. It took me a long time to understand this. After many tears and jabs at my heart, my hope is that you will recognize this much sooner than I did. I want to help you alleviate some of the pain.
Let me give provide some other instances. I know we can all relate.
How about the way people behave such as acting like nothing happened, chatting like it’s a typical day. Just shooting the breeze. Or walking by and ignoring you, not even acknowledging what you are going through. I remember when I saw a mom of one of my son’s friends in the school parking lot. I was actually preparing to say hello when she got in her car and drove off. I know she saw me. I know she knows that my husband recently passed because her son told my son. In the nearly 3 years since, she has never once brought it up. Yes, I was hurt by it.
What about those people who do the opposite? I’ve run into people who burst into tears, hugging me while crying. Like, am I supposed to console them??? Yes, I was bewildered by it.
I’ve also experienced when people tell me about everyone else they knew who suffered a heart attack. Yep, I was at my local grocery store just trying to grab a few things and leave. Instead, I got stuck listening to an acquaintance (or in my life, I call them the “randoms” I run into) go on and on about her uncle, neighbor, and everyone she knew who had a heart attack. Yes, I was quite unsettled by it and wanted to run out of the store.
It hurts, doesn’t it? The sting we feel when we go back to the office and a coworker walks right by and ignores us, avoiding eye contact. The stab at our hearts when someone says, “I feel so sorry for you.” I don’t think we want their pity.
I will never forget when a neighbor told me I wasn’t going to get better. She kept wanting to “help” me. On the contrary, I felt like she wanted to control me. When I kept saying I have a feeling that I will come out of this and be okay, she continued to tell me that I would NOT be okay.
Eventually, I suppose to get her point across, she replied with “You have to keep in mind that you have lost your life partner and the father of your 3 children.” Really? Does she think I forgot? Does she want me to NOT be okay??
For those of you reading this with the goal of trying to help someone, let me state the following. When your friend has lost her husband and believes that she will eventually be okay, please validate it and support her. Don’t tell her she won’t be! Give her encouragement! Tell her, “I believe in you!”
Over time, I’ve come to realize that many people don’t know what to do or say, so the result is either awkwardness or total avoidance. Especially the people I nicknamed the randoms, those acquaintances who know what happened but I’m not close to. Keep in mind it’s not you, it’s them! Their insecurities, their wounds, their experiences (or lack of), all lead to how they handle this sensitive subject. Perhaps the worry is they may say something hurtful so they don’t say anything at all. Or they don’t want to bring it up because they think you’re exhausted from talking about it. Maybe they feel the onset of tears when they see you so they walk away. They could be nervous and therefore something really strange is said. We’ve all been there! It may not have been about death, but we’ve all been in a nervous situation when we spit out words and wonder later why the heck did I say that??
Here’s what I’ve learned. Acknowledge the elephant in the room. You don’t have to talk about it in length, just acknowledge the obvious. It will make things way less uncomfortable once it’s been stated. I remember one of the best ways someone handled this was when I attended a volunteer meeting for my son’s school. A lady came up to me when no one else was standing nearby and said “Julie, I am so sorry about the loss of your husband” and gave me a big hug. She did not make it a big ordeal, and the conversation didn’t linger. She acknowledged it, I thanked her, and we proceeded on. Perfect.
I hope there are readers of this blog on both sides of the situation. For those of us who lost a loved one, I want you to not take things personally. I believe most people are good. The last thing they want to do is to inflict more sadness. For those who are trying to help someone, acknowledge the elephant in the room but don’t go on for hours about it. In general, be the supportive friend instead of trying to control things. Don’t give pitiful statements. Listen, be the shoulder to cry on. You don’t always have to give advance and chatter nonstop.
Mel Robbins is the creator of the Let Them Theory. The premise of this theory is that we can’t control what other people say/do so we should let them be who they are. Don’t waste energy worrying about them. Instead, she says to LET ME control my reaction. LET ME realize that they feel uncomfortable and may not know what to say. LET ME focus my precious time and energy on healing myself and my kids. LET ME ignore the painful comments, recognizing that people don’t intend any harm.
Let’s get it out! What have you experienced? What is something strange you’ve heard? I bet we can all share some stories. Please comment below or message me at inquiry@sincerelyjulie.com or find me on Instagram @sincerelyjulie_joyful_living.