Published July 10, 2025
It’s really tough. I’m referring to knowing what to say or do when someone dear to you is going through the grieving process. This week’s blog is from that perspective – for the ones who feel the pain from watching you grieve, for the ones who want to help but don’t know how.
And although I am mostly referring to the death of a loved one, grief could also mean the devastating end of a marriage or the terrible breakup from a long-term relationship.
To be honest, I had planned to write about another topic this week. But when I heard @jefferson_fisher share his expertise about what to say to someone who is grieving, I knew that I had to blog about it.
Jefferson is a trial lawyer by profession, but he is a genius with words and gives fantastic advice about how to have those difficult conversations. From dealing with toxic people, to how to talk with narcissists, to what to say when you are ending a relationship, he dives into it all and provides a succinct way of handling these situations.
A few days ago, Jefferson gave these 3 pieces of advice on grief conversations:
- Do not say “let me know if I can help” or “let me know if you need anything.” Why? Because it puts the pressure on the one grieving. So instead, just go do the thing. Deliver the meal. Run the errand. Just do it.
- Do not ask “oh my gosh, what happened?” Don’t inquire about the details. Trust me, they don’t want to hash out the story over and over. It can be very painful and traumatic to explain on repeat. Keep it simple and say something like “You don’t need to respond, I’m just thinking of you.”
- Be careful of positive comments such as “at least they are in a better place” or “look on the bright side.” You should agree with their pain. Validate that what they are going through is so very hard, most likely the hardest thing they have ever experienced. Statements such as “I’m so sorry” and “no one should have to go through that” or “this isn’t fair” will be much more meaningful.
Wow, did these resonate with me! So let me add to it from my own painful experience. I lived it, breathed it, and came out the other side. I can substantiate how real his advice is.
After the sudden death of my husband, I had amazing friends who took on some tremendous tasks. I never asked, they just took the initiative and did it. Many people are like me in the sense that we don’t like to ask for help. I think this is an important point to emphasize. We feel bad asking and don’t want to impose or bother anyone. That’s why you just go do the thing!
I will never forget the kindness, thoughtfulness, care and concern, and love for me and the kids. NEVER. So just go get some groceries and stock their fridge. Drop off various gift cards for meals so they don’t have to cook. Clean their house or hire a cleaning service. Invite them to grab a drink or dinner, then just show up and drive them. You get the idea.
I can also attest that I loathed repeating the story over and over. Hated it. So don’t ask. As Jefferson pointed out, you will know what happened when you’re supposed to know. We don’t want to be asked “what happened” in the grocery store or at a school event. Do you think you’re the only person who’s asking? Nope. Think about how awful it must feel to bring up a traumatic event and to be asked about the details 20 times over. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel? I guarantee you won’t like it either.
I had some very strange things said to me after Matt’s passing. Some were hurtful. (Read my blog from March 2025 The Strange Things People Say or Do (or Not) and How to Handle It.) Don’t be that person! I can tell you that many on the grief journey don’t like hearing “they are in a better place.” Instead, they will say “I want my loved one to be here with me.”
I know it’s hard finding the right thing to say because I used to be that person, until I had my own tragedy. But by keeping it simple, and just saying “I am so sorry” and “I am here for you” is all it takes to show your love and support.
Other ways you can support a grieving friend is to just listen. Perhaps all we need is someone to sit with us and listen. We don’t always want advice, so try to refrain from talking too much.
Also, support their children….go cheer them on at school activities such as their sports or music events. It will mean the world to both the grieving parent and the child. Although there will never be a substitute for the one they’ve lost, remember that you are helping to fill that hole and sense of emptiness, by attending and being present.
Pray for them. They will feel your prayers. They need all the prayers they can get to lift them up in the darkest of times. Prayers worked for us. We felt the love. I don’t know how we got through those first few months without prayers.
And don’t forget them after some time has lapsed. Long after the funeral, the grief will remain. Your life will continue on as usual, but they have been forced to adjust to their new normal. Check up on them, keep inviting them to do things, and continue helping with whatever is needed. And keep sending prayers.
I’d love to hear from you, from both viewpoints. Please share your experiences so we can all learn from each other. Comment below, email me at inquiry@sincerelyjulie.com, and follow me on Instagram @sincerelyjulie_joyful_living for daily support and inspiration.
2 thoughts on “Ways to Help Someone Who is Grieving”
This is really useful and and insightful advice re: grieving. I loved your comments about showing up for school activities as another way to show support. I know people “ mean well” but often the impact of the comments made like” they’re in a better place” or “ tell me what happened?” are re- traumatizing. Also your validation of taking action meaning more than asking how to help are invaluable for the grieving person.
Thanks, Judy! Until one lives through something like this, it’s hard to really know what is truly helpful. I realized that when my friends came to support my son by watching his concerts and events, it meant so much to me because I wanted him to feel seen and loved. No one can ever replace his father of course, but it sure does help fill that hole. Yes, people mean well. No one in their right mind would ever intentionally hurt someone who is grieving, so realizing that helps greatly. And just do it…whether it’s a death, someone is ill or going through a tough time…just go do the thing and help them. It will mean so much, beyond words.